Here's my back story:
I am currently juggling my job as a full time teacher, a graduate student who is set to receive my Masters in May 2014, an internship, curriculum writing for the county, my personal life and a divorce. Yes, at 29, I've been married and divorced.
My struggle with my weight began around late elementary school. I just wanted to eat for every reason. I ate because I was bored, sad, happy, depressed, whatever. One major problem I have is that I never know when I'm hungry.... or full. My self esteem plummeted. Friends around me were always in relationships and I feel like I couldn't ever get a guy to look my way. My first boyfriend was when I was in college. My first kiss? Around my late teens.
My emotional side took a tumble. And I think my weight had a lot to do with it. I have always had high self confidence; confident in my abilities, but I don't have high self esteem. I tend to look at myself and wonder if anyone wants me..... all of me... fat and all.
Then I met my soon-to-be-husband-then-ex-husband. I will not bash him. I do not hate him. I just hate what happened to me. If we had both had been honest (him with how he felt and me trusting my gut), we wouldn't have ended up in the situation we were in. Just before I met him, I was the thinnest I had been. I was happy where I was, almost down to single sized pants. Then I ballooned. Within the 7 years we were together, I gained 70 pounds. 10 pounds per year we were together. Depression, boredom and guilt gripped my life, and I tried to work, eat and sleep it away.
After he left, I was left stripped naked of my emotions. And surprisingly admitting it now, I needed it. I have depended on someone to "love me" so much that I had forgotten who I was, why I was me, what made me me and how to love me. I am still relearning me, although I have made incredible leaps and bounds through my journey. I still have my insecure moments, don't get me wrong, but I am becoming better in me again. However, I am still trying to work through the emotional side. Sometimes I feel like I should tattoo 'naive moron' on my forehead when it comes to guys. I become blinded by someone "wanting me". I guess in all the years in not having someone want me, when a guy throws attention my way, I fall for it; hook, line and sinker.
So, I have decided to take control of me.
I am changing what I can and the first step is getting back in shape.
I joined Gold's Gym in Westminster a couple months ago and have had great success. I meet with my awesome trainer Steve every week to do some intense muscle building workouts. I have already seen progress. My pants are loose, I've lost 12 pounds and have already dropped percentage of body fat. My muscles are sore the next few days but I am happy. I've changed my eating habits. I actually haven't even had a taste for those types of foods any more. Fast food? Nope! Soda? Nope! I've increased my water intake, salad intake and healthier foods intake. I've been learning to listen to my body when I feel a "full" feeling even though it's been difficult. I make sure to eat more filling, protein foods to help my body understand what full means. I also increased my gym time. Working out is now something I enjoy doing.
I will continue my journey.
I want to make my emotional side better.
I want to make my physical body better.
I want to make me better.
Sept. 2011: Two years before working out; the heaviest I've been:
Oct 2013: After beginning my work outs at the gym (a couple of months in):
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